ok

ok ok, i'm not fine at all. but what exactly do u jus expect me to say whenever u all ask me "r u ok?" u see my face, u know i'm not ok, so jus leave me alone! it only shows how much u all dun understand me at all. jus let me return to my cave, n i'll come out when i'm done n talk to u. *SIGH* yes, it's in caps cos it's a big sigh, not jus a sigh's sigh. i always do tt, so y ask when u will only force me to stay in my shell longer. it's like asking a drunk man "r u drunk?" pfffrrrttttt! duh?!

i'm tired. jus give me a break. sometimes i wish i have a glock 17 or a colt stash in my drawer. one shot, clean death and tt's tt. but colt will be better u see, cos sometimes when u r indecisve, contemplating it, this is when colt will become useful. u play RR :) lol. yup, if tt big guy up upon feels tt it's not time yet n u should suffer more b4 u go to hell then, click! is wat u get instead of a bang! hahaha, hmmm... samuel colt, u r really something. u can make ppl rich, u can make ppl die, u can also save lives, all b/c of ur invention.

if i really had a gun, i've died serveral times already. and if it's really tt bad, which apparently it was-during my ns where we broke up... i could have done it already. what's more, during tt period, i had sentry to do, i had our annual range so i had quite a couple of chances to do it. really, when u r down, ok i don't know abt u, but when i was down i tot of -ve things, which slowly leads to other things like... hmmm... y not take a few ppl tt i dislike along w me.. right? yes :) ppl like my csm-a cockster, ben lee-poser, jianming-fatso and maybe some other innocent kaypoh or poor fellow tt's jus got in the line of fire. even if they ain't killed, at least they taste my rounds :D

oh ya, and concentration really helps. it helped me attained my marksman. it's like, c'mon u want to kill u better do ur zeroing properly right. u know u want tt shot to land exactly in btw his eyes and no where else so now u know y i was so pissed off back then?! apparently some idiot took my rifle n tune it AFTER i've DONE my zeroing. tt fucker, if i ever knew who u were, congrats, ur name is confirmed a place in my hitlist for sure.

yes, i really do hate them. but all this was past. hate is really a strong word, it can kill. watever has been is already over. glad tt i went to see mo, n glad tt he sent me for counsellings. and of cos, w/o my strong family support, i dun know where i will be now. in db? jus like tt guy, who took his rifle out of mandai camp, packed it in a bag and hang ard in orchard... where is he now?

so yup. i was depressed. suffering depression and it is... really bad, b/c of frequent recurrence. i didn't know tt it will actually take such a long time to recover from it, fully. every time when i tot it's over, it wasn't. a vicious cycle... oh ya, and also thx to gracie. u help me through it too. sorry for those late night calls but it really had help me a lot. jus a simple, short chat or sms even alleviate my pain and brings me back together. so now u know y my ns life sux?